Left on Read

In the position I hold in my school, I get the opportunity several times a semester to have discussions involving every student in the school about their lives online. In my final lesson and discussion of this past school year, with the help of our school library media specialist, I dove into the topic of screen time with every seventh and eighth grader who was present. It took us six days to meet with each team, and at the end of it, we held a schoolwide Digital Wellness Challenge. It was a small beginning, but I hope to expand on it this year by involving parents, more staff members, and students.

One of the topics we spent quite a bit of time on is the impact of mobile technology, specifically phones, on individual mental and social health. We talked about social media and messaging apps, texting, and online chatting. I asked questions, and although I let our students know that they did not need to share their experiences in the discussion, or even raise their hands to acknowledge my questions, I did want them to be able to admit to themselves if they had done or felt any of the things I was asking or describing. 

To my surprise, most of the students in each group were not only nodding when they heard something that they had done or experienced, but several also wanted to share their stories. One of the questions I asked was "Do you get nervous or worried when you've messaged someone and they don't reply right away?" This opened up a whole new topic of discussion about Read receipts and the concept of being "Left on Read".

Think about some of the messaging apps that you use. Do they have a feature that indicates that the person you messaged had viewed your message? Snapchat, Facebook Messenger, and even text messages allow the sender to see when the recipient has opened the message. If you send someone a message, and they open it without replying, how do you feel? 

As an adult who grew up without this communication capability, I can separate feeling from thinking. I KNOW in my brain that this could mean any number of things. The person could be busy with something at that particular moment. They could have gotten a call to answer, have been in a grocery line, or have been in the middle of some other task. Depending on who the recipient might be, and despite any logical thoughts about why someone might not respond, sometimes the feelings of insecurity take over anyway! Why didn't they reply? Did I say something wrong? As a middle-aged adult, I have thought and felt these things when seeing that someone read my message but chose not to reply. And it hurts, but I have the ability to redirect my brain to a logical thought process. I can apply this logic in such a way as to not allow my heart to rule my mind. Because I have these skills that come with maturity and my veins are not coursing with teen hormones, my whole day and emotional state are not impaired by what many might interpret as being ignored.

Most kids do not yet possess these skills! Emotions and hormones run high among teens and preteens, and phones provide a passive-aggressive and indirect tool to the toolkit of bullying behavior. Being Left on Read is the modern-day equivalent of being hung up on. It came up in the discussions that kids have not only felt the pain of being Left on Read, but many also admitted to using this as a tool to hurt someone else. "Oh, I do that on purpose," one girl told me. "If I'm mad at someone, I make sure I open their message, then I ignore it." This conversation occurred repeatedly over the course of the six days we held the discussions. 

Imagine a middle school girl, Allie, sitting in a classroom trying to focus on her math or science or whatever. But she's been Left on Read by someone very important to her, and she can focus on little else. She keeps checking her phone, or asking to use the restroom so she can check her phone. Is Allie going to succeed in class that day? Is her teacher's engaging lesson going to draw her in with the mental and emotional storm surging under the surface?  Teen years were hard enough already, without the instantaneous added stress and distraction that mobile devices and social media apps provide.

What do you know about Snapchat? Each Snapchat user has a Snapscore, which is a number that shows how many snaps (photo or video messages) that they have sent and received/viewed from others. The snapscore increases almost instantly when a snap is sent or one is received and opened. Snapchat also shows the sender what the recipient has done within the chat feed. If they opened a picture or video or read a message, the sender can see that. If they take a screenshot of a picture or save a video, the sender can see that. 

How might this information affect the mental or emotional state of a teen? If Allie sends Jackson a snap or a chat and sees that Jackson opened it but did not reply (Left on Read), and Allie also sees that Jackson's Snapscore has increased by 35, this shows Allie that Jackson isn't messaging her, but that he is messaging other people. Adult thought processes do not play a part in how Allie feels. She isn't processing all of the logical reasons why Jackson might not have replied. She most likely isn't dismissing it. If Jackson is important to her, Allie's heart is in terror and pain because she's being ignored in favor of others. And she's all but obsessed with checking her phone to watch for any sign that things have improved. Allie is worried about this, and can't focus on school. What if a group of Allie's friends do this to her intentionally to exclude her from their group? Can she succeed in class that day?

Social exclusion bullying is not new in schools. Being able to do it instantly AND constantly through mobile apps like Snapchat has amplified this behavior immeasurably. And that is ONE of the many ways that teen mental health is negatively impacted by constant access to apps and devices that their brains and hearts are not ready to handle. They just aren't ready. These tools don't belong in their possession, and it's hurting them. When they hurt, we all hurt.

To anyone raising kids this age and younger: we can still fix this!